Codependency: A guide towards a healthy and thriving self

Codependency is not the opposite of independence, it is the chronic neglect of oneself for the sake of others. Some traits of a codependent person include:

• People pleasing

• Difficulty saying “No”

• Difficulty asking for help

• Feeling guilty as a result of one’s actions or words are all traits of a codependent person

These tendencies can lead to anger, resentments, and overwhelm.

So what do we do about these traits to prevent such negative impacts on our health? 

The short answer lies within the idea of selfishness versus selflessness. Selflessness (another term for codependent) is consistently prioritizing the needs of others, which can be detrimental to yourself. Selfishness (the opposite of codependency) is constantly prioritizing your needs over others, which can often be detrimental to your relationships and those around you. 

But why does it feel so difficult to find balance between these two extremes? 

Let’s think of codependency on a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum is selflessness. On the other end is selfishness. Balanced in the middle is a healthy and thriving self. The struggle lies, however, in actually moving towards balance. Moving on that spectrum towards a balanced self will initially feel uncomfortable, wrong, and well, selfish. Because it is selfish. 

In order to move towards balance from a selfless place, you will be moving towards the selfish end of the spectrum.

This looks like:

• Saying “No” to things you don’t want to do

• Expressing a thought that might make someone uncomfortable

• Needing to do something that might inconvenience another person

  These are all selfish steps (otherwise known as boundaries and self-care) along the path towards a healthy version of yourself. The same is true vice versa. If someone typically acts in more selfish ways, then becoming a more balanced version of themselves will result in feeling like they are compromising and putting their needs on hold to be there for others. Because they are.   

Setting boundaries and not doing things you don’t want to do are uncomfortable. And yes, you might ruffle some feathers along the way.

But understanding your limits and responding to your own needs will help to:

• Decrease your stress levels

• Decrease anxious and overwhelming feelings

• Allow you to start taking care of yourself

I’m Celeste, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and I help clients shine a light on codependent traits that are impacting their sense of self and causing issues within their relationships. Together, we work on increasing your ability to set and maintain boundaries without feeling guilty for doing so.